Let's Talk: Friendship Breakups

I’m very lucky that I have such a strong group of girlfriends around me but that hasn’t always been the case. I’ve had my fair share of friendships end over a variety of reasons; distance, growing apart, and being let down. While the pain of those friendships ending varied depending on the closeness with the person, I always learned something about myself coming out of the friendship.

A few months ago I reconnected with a friend I made in my first year of university (who I will refer to as L). We hadn’t spoken in quite some time but we picked up right where we had left off, catching up on everything we had missed during the time that had passed. During our chat, they told me about the ending of a friendship they had with someone for 18 years, someone they once considered their best friend. They shared with me that a person had come into their friend’s life and ultimately changed the dynamic between the two of them. The two had grown apart, but the ending of the friendship still hurt as much as it would have if they had ended things through a fight.

L shared with me how they had grieved the loss of this friend and what they're still doing to continue to work through the loss. They spoke candidly about the 5 stages of grief and how they had learned from this friendship breakup. Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It wasn’t until we spoke about their grief that I had realized that I had been going through the same thing.

2020 has been a hard year for many reasons. Without getting into too much detail, I lost a friendship this year, someone I once considered a best friend. And unlike how the friendship ended for L, this friendship ended in disappointment and the realization that I deserved better. The ending of this friendship was something I didn’t want to talk about with too many people because it had been a long time coming and I felt like I should’ve seen it when others were telling me to. Until I spoke with L, someone who had heard about this friendship’s highs and lows in the past, I realized that I had found the peace that I needed to know that what had happened was the right thing for ME.

When we are young, we’re encouraged to make many friends but we’re not told how to maintain those friendships, and we’re certainly not told how to handle a friendship ending. I’ve had to figure out how to grow from it on my own as many others have so I wanted to write this post as a tool for those who have lost a friendship and in honour of any friendship that has ever ended. May we grow and may we heal.

Validate your feelings

If you’re feeling angry, sad, or even confused, you have every right to feel that way. Before you can begin to move on from your friendship ending you have to process the situation. If you feel silly because of the way you’re reacting to this breakup, it means that you really cared about the friendship and that person, maybe even more than you realized. The first step towards moving forward and letting go is to grieve.

Turn to people you can trust

Talking things through with another friend or loved one can help put into perspective why this friendship is ending and how you can grow from it. These people will remind you what true friendship is all about and why the ending of this friendship may be what was best for you.

I have long found confiding in my mum to be the most effective way of understanding a situation and learning from it. As my first point of contact for anything good or bad, she’s been there and knows my history. Speaking to her allowed me to not only see the flaws in the friendship but to also value the other friendships that I have more.

Don’t wait for them to reach out

If you feel like you are owed an apology because your friend lied to you or treated you poorly, don’t wait around for them to reach out because it likely won’t happen. There are always two sides to a situation, a story, a friendship and your friend may think they don’t owe you anything. If you choose to wait around, you may be waiting for nothing and you’ll never allow yourself to heal. Remove all forms of contact. Delete text conversations, unfollow them on social media (or mute them) and you’ll instantly feel lighter. Trust me.

Reflect and learn

Look back on the time you and your friend have shared together and take away things you can use to become a better friend and person. Separate yourself from the negativity that your failed friendship might have brought you. Understand that there are some personalities who are not meant to be lifelong friends but might have come into your life for a reason.

Write a goodbye letter

Writing down your thoughts and feelings will allow you to see your emotions in physical form and then they’re no longer internalized. Write down all the things you didn’t get to say, reflect on the friendship and your feelings on why it ended. When you’re done, burn it, shred it, or rip it up. Let that symbolize the physical act of letting go of the friendship.

I guess in a way, that’s what I’m doing right now. Writing this piece has allowed me to heal and it’s quite possibly the final step in my grieving of this friendship. But on a personal level, I don't think I have anything else to say about my friendship ending... I'm okay.

Sometimes my mind wanders and I end up thinking about what happened and I still get angry and sad but as time has passed, this has become less and less. At the end of the day, time heals everything. The loss of this friendship has taught me is that I am stronger than I think and that I deserve more from someone I considered my best friend.

If you are going through a friendship breakup, be patient with yourself. You will become a stronger person and a better friend as time passes while you learn and heal.

I’ve long been a believer that friendships are for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. While the purpose of that friendship is not always clear, as time passes, the lifetime friendships will make themselves known as the season friendships fade.

xx Lex